The Brilliance of Resilience

One of the support groups that I belong to allows for people to just kind of post free-form comments  that are highlight moderated by the people that have volunteered to keep the group a safe space. I appreciate that there is freedoms to express (and some people do...too often and with reckless abandon...let's be honest), but to be safe with each other and not cast the shadow of judgement. I mean...cast all you want, I guess. We all do. But don't go castin' it in this space. Someone wrote today, "This isn't a political discussion, but do you feel like this election is triggering you?" I thought that that was a very interesting thing to think about. That aside from the political beliefs that you hold, the candidates, the coverage, the ads, the rhetoric...is it triggering? Only women responded about being sexual abuse survivors, or having domineering and abusive fathers with narcissistic behavioral patterns. They responded with how they cope and how they feel....

Anybody that tells me that August does nothing but completely fucking blow...is a goddamned liar. It's hot, it's sweaty and there are no holidays. Alright, it's birthstone is Peridot, and that's pretty cool. I'll give you that...but that's it. The last six weeks have been hell. I feel terrible. I feel like I look terrible and I am struggling to understand the trajectory of my life. Although I have strategically and tirelessly worked to make my financial situation better, and I have created a plan to freedom, the pivotal and redemptive moment where I bust through the tape and cross the finish line is a long way off. Like, for real. I thought, for sure, that I would find solace in Labor Day: the unofficial end to summer, the end of August and the beginning of all things orange, yellow, brown and pumpkin spice. But, the burden of August has become the burden of September, too. Every week in therapy I have expressed that I am sad, I am crying, I am irrationa...

I don't have any kids and I don't plan on having any. It just wasn't something that ever happened, and now, in my life, I am not at a point where I see myself giving up my freedom and independence to raise a child. It's cool that some people love it. And sometimes, kids are cool and I am glad that they exist. But, it's not for me. Or my five-year plan out of monetary imprisonment. One thing that I noticed is that having children makes things really complicated, and can put you in a position where when things go south with someone, the relationship inevitably solders you to a person that you would otherwise abandon for the rest of eternity. It solders you and your family that feel love for that child. And there are amazing people that truly say "bygones," and they co-parent with a zest for a good life for that kid. And then...there are the rest of us. My mother kept pressing me to contact my ex-husband for a day where she could see my ex-husband's d...

I own 1/10th of the clothing that I used to, easily. I have a good friend that I glean minimalism/Kon Mari advice from, as well as a keen sense of how overwhelmed I felt when I owned a billion pieces of clothing that I sort-of liked. Aside from that, I also have lost a lot of sizes in the last seven months, so buying and rebuying seems absolutely insane. When I consciously decide not to continue the cycle, I consciously rewire my brain to give myself permission for better behavior. Whether you subscribe to Joe Dispenza's science or not, breaking the cycle of bad behavior is beneficial in ways that cannot really even be measured, because you are re-wiring your brain for more/better/different. The screenshot from Facebook makes me feel ashamed. And honestly, that was AFTER a purge. And it was almost two years ago: before weight loss, before separation, before admitting that I had an addiction and needed to approach food with recovery language...before change. Sometimes, eve...

I did 2348909384 things this weekend. Notable highlights on the resume of the last three days: -Seeing a strolling accordion player and company wander through the streets of Irwin, PA. -Watching an elderly woman in a rhinestone denim baseball hat walk up to the accordion player, and dance around when they played. -Eating the best cabbage roll ever made by the hands of women from a church in Rankin, PA. -Walking through a few antique and vintage shops pawing all of the wares and thinking about the people that owned them, what their houses might have looked like, what they felt when they owned these things, and what they're doing now.  -Standing in Unity Cemetery and seeing Fred Rogers' final resting place...under a pine tree with a beautiful view of the valley and rolling hills. -Buying a fifty-cent plaque with, "Desiderata," written in yellow letters. From 1952. -Happening upon the dedication of a statue of Fred Rogers in a park in Latrobe, PA. And ...

In the last few months, I have been faced with multiple instances where the archetype of rising above your circumstances and creating a great life despite your challenges has been presented and championed as the archetype that we should all emulate when the whole world seems against you. That, in fact, anything less than complete victory in the face of undaunted adversity is considered to be a complete failure of a lazy and incompetent soul. It's dramatic language, but so is the story of the underdog. I wrote previously about that appointment with my nice doctor and how he asked me about why and how I do the things that I do. I think that I am so genuinely shocked that someone besides my therapist would be interested in what goes in my head and life that I latched onto that and probably said way more than I anticipated. It's as if he was the old and wise senior and I was the stunted and repressed freshman that completely lost my mind that someone so "cool," would wa...

I wanted to write more about losing weight. I started another post about seeing the doctor and what happened that day, but I found that the thoughts were confusing and overwhelming at the time. They overwhelm me now, but in a more structured way, I think. I got a call from the Bariatric surgery center that I started going to in December. They said they hadn't seen me at the weigh-ins/meetings in a few months and wanted to know if I was still considering surgery. I should back up. In order to be considered for Bariatric surgery by most insurance companies, you must complete six months of a "lifestyle," program that allows you to start to put better habits into motion and hit the ground running after the actual surgery is complete while losing weight pre-surgery to provide less risk for the procedure. It's a rigorous process that includes lots of testing, psych evals, etc. I have a lot of opinions about the lack of psychological testing for Bariatric surgery, but anot...