Shrinking When You're Already Invisible - Hidden in Plain Sight
I wanted to write more about losing weight. I started another post about seeing the doctor and what happened that day, but I found that the thoughts were confusing and overwhelming at the time. They overwhelm me now, but in a more structured way, I think.
I got a call from the Bariatric surgery center that I started going to in December. They said they hadn't seen me at the weigh-ins/meetings in a few months and wanted to know if I was still considering surgery. I should back up. In order to be considered for Bariatric surgery by most insurance companies, you must complete six months of a "lifestyle," program that allows you to start to put better habits into motion and hit the ground running after the actual surgery is complete while losing weight pre-surgery to provide less risk for the procedure. It's a rigorous process that includes lots of testing, psych evals, etc. I have a lot of opinions about the lack of psychological testing for Bariatric surgery, but another time. Anyway, I had expressed that I had lost almost seventy pounds of my own and that I wanted to see how far I could go without surgical intervention. It was a surreal moment to hear those words come out of my mouth.
A few days later, I was walking back from weighing myself at the gym and the woman that had trained me in my first position at my current company stopped me and commented on how I was doing so well and really starting to show an hour-glass figure. This was stunning to me. You know how there's quick montages in film when someone sees their entire life flash before them? It was kind of like that, except I thought of what seemed to be every instance of me being tortured in high school and every conversation that I had with myself when I put on clothes those mornings and convinced myself that this would be the outfit that kept people from making fun of me: that kept people from seeing me at all.
That same day I went to see my new doctor for the second time. He's young and attentive and seems like the kind of guy that hasn't had to deal with a million "Pillbillies," (thanks to Nashville P*ssy for that new word) making up fake symptoms for pain medication. He said that I was a model patient for being motivated and wanting to make changes. I shared a little bit of the last fifteen months with him, and he asked me how I stayed positive. I told him, "You either do, or you die, right?" He told me that he foresees me writing a book and to kick 1% to him. Even in jest, it is an interesting feeling to have a doctor ask you for money.
The situations continue.
Early this week, someone that I only see in the hallways and at the gym at work commented on my progress. I know her name, but I'm sure that she doesn't know mine. No one knows mine. She was encouraging and complimentary. I thought that I was on a hidden camera show. All of these things that happen are, on the surface, a reaction to the change in my physical appearance, but the spiritual affirmations are also quite clear...as are the spiritual lessons. It's corny but when you lose, you gain.
1. I take up space, despite my attempts to the contrary. Whether that be good or bad, it is. So, in the end, is that space, no matter how big or small, being used wisely? Basically Babes..."get busy living, or get busy dying."
2. People are aware of you and they love you in their own way, even if it means that they find awkward ways to encourage you. Take the love in and take what you want from it and FRIGGIN' LEAVE THE REST.
3. If at any time, you are afraid that you aren't worth the effort of making a lifestyle change remember the analogy of the insurance company and the Bariatric surgery process. They are willing to pay for you, if you are willing to put the wheels in motion for a better way to live. And, in a lot of ways, the universe will do it, too. But, you've got to put the intent and effort there first. Ain't nobody got time for empty promises.
And always, if you are hurting...there is help. Always contact me. Always contact your local mental health facility. Always reach out to online links. There is love. If you're not a threat...talk to the universe, because babes...she's listening.
I got a call from the Bariatric surgery center that I started going to in December. They said they hadn't seen me at the weigh-ins/meetings in a few months and wanted to know if I was still considering surgery. I should back up. In order to be considered for Bariatric surgery by most insurance companies, you must complete six months of a "lifestyle," program that allows you to start to put better habits into motion and hit the ground running after the actual surgery is complete while losing weight pre-surgery to provide less risk for the procedure. It's a rigorous process that includes lots of testing, psych evals, etc. I have a lot of opinions about the lack of psychological testing for Bariatric surgery, but another time. Anyway, I had expressed that I had lost almost seventy pounds of my own and that I wanted to see how far I could go without surgical intervention. It was a surreal moment to hear those words come out of my mouth.
A few days later, I was walking back from weighing myself at the gym and the woman that had trained me in my first position at my current company stopped me and commented on how I was doing so well and really starting to show an hour-glass figure. This was stunning to me. You know how there's quick montages in film when someone sees their entire life flash before them? It was kind of like that, except I thought of what seemed to be every instance of me being tortured in high school and every conversation that I had with myself when I put on clothes those mornings and convinced myself that this would be the outfit that kept people from making fun of me: that kept people from seeing me at all.That same day I went to see my new doctor for the second time. He's young and attentive and seems like the kind of guy that hasn't had to deal with a million "Pillbillies," (thanks to Nashville P*ssy for that new word) making up fake symptoms for pain medication. He said that I was a model patient for being motivated and wanting to make changes. I shared a little bit of the last fifteen months with him, and he asked me how I stayed positive. I told him, "You either do, or you die, right?" He told me that he foresees me writing a book and to kick 1% to him. Even in jest, it is an interesting feeling to have a doctor ask you for money.
The situations continue.
Early this week, someone that I only see in the hallways and at the gym at work commented on my progress. I know her name, but I'm sure that she doesn't know mine. No one knows mine. She was encouraging and complimentary. I thought that I was on a hidden camera show. All of these things that happen are, on the surface, a reaction to the change in my physical appearance, but the spiritual affirmations are also quite clear...as are the spiritual lessons. It's corny but when you lose, you gain.
1. I take up space, despite my attempts to the contrary. Whether that be good or bad, it is. So, in the end, is that space, no matter how big or small, being used wisely? Basically Babes..."get busy living, or get busy dying."
2. People are aware of you and they love you in their own way, even if it means that they find awkward ways to encourage you. Take the love in and take what you want from it and FRIGGIN' LEAVE THE REST.
3. If at any time, you are afraid that you aren't worth the effort of making a lifestyle change remember the analogy of the insurance company and the Bariatric surgery process. They are willing to pay for you, if you are willing to put the wheels in motion for a better way to live. And, in a lot of ways, the universe will do it, too. But, you've got to put the intent and effort there first. Ain't nobody got time for empty promises.
And always, if you are hurting...there is help. Always contact me. Always contact your local mental health facility. Always reach out to online links. There is love. If you're not a threat...talk to the universe, because babes...she's listening.
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