Straight Out the Closet
I own 1/10th of the clothing that I used to, easily.
I have a good friend that I glean minimalism/Kon Mari advice from, as well as a keen sense of how overwhelmed I felt when I owned a billion pieces of clothing that I sort-of liked. Aside from that, I also have lost a lot of sizes in the last seven months, so buying and rebuying seems absolutely insane. When I consciously decide not to continue the cycle, I consciously rewire my brain to give myself permission for better behavior. Whether you subscribe to Joe Dispenza's science or not, breaking the cycle of bad behavior is beneficial in ways that cannot really even be measured, because you are re-wiring your brain for more/better/different.
The screenshot from Facebook makes me feel ashamed. And honestly, that was AFTER a purge. And it was almost two years ago: before weight loss, before separation, before admitting that I had an addiction and needed to approach food with recovery language...before change. Sometimes, even when we see that there is a problem, there is some time lapse before we set the wheels into motion for a better way of living.
So two things are essentially happening:
1. I am losing weight at a fast-enough pace that I am not ready to create an entire capsule wardrobe filled with quality pieces that will last for years and transcend throw-away fashion aesthetic.
2. I am slowly rebirthing into someone that can shop in a straight-sized store, which opens up a door that I have not seen the other side of for fifteen years.
That second thing though.
On Sunday, I realized that I owned three pairs of dress pants that "fit," and I have a business casual job. Instead of pushing the envelope and wearing black denim like I have been (and hoping no one would notice), I made the choice to invest in a new pair or two to get me through the summer with more than just two pairs of ten-dollar wide-leg, flowy capris that my mother forced me to buy because she had a coupon and they were on clearance. Admittedly, I was tired of pulling up my pants constantly with some pairs that I let linger too long, and wearing those flowy capris pretty consistently. Sometimes, you just don't want to look like a Women's Studies professor at the University of Arizona.
Many many many many thin women have told me that they do not necessarily worry too much about size when they try on clothing, but rather look for fit and feel from a piece of clothing when they are making the decision to buy. This always seemed insane to me. That women were so closely related to their size that deviation was impossible. To say that you were a different size was to say that you were a different age, or something. I think, also...to a fat girl, the idea of wearing a BIGGER size than I already do just to have a better fit was the confirmation that maybe I was even bigger than I thought. And honestly, I didn't need that confirmation at the time.
So, taking these feelings and realizations, I went to the best discount store I could find that still carried quality clothing, and I set to work. I approached the plus sizes first, and found something to try on, but then my mind kind of opened to the possibility that this wasn't the only option. That maybe I straight sizes were possible. I wandered over to the expansive straight-sized section like a frightened gazelle, sure that I would be discovered and murdered by the masses for trying to assimilate to what I clearly did not belong to. I quickly looked through the racks and hurriedly picked out some shirts and some pants, as well as a dress. I dove into the fitting room and tried it all on, expecting to be completely unable to button or adjust...with a view like a Christmas Ham ready to burst forth for the holiday meal. But it was different.
It all fit. Some things better than others, but it all fit in a way that did not make me instantly ashamed about my body. And it was such an odd feeling. I have had a series of odd feelings since losing a large amount of weight, including the ability to cross my legs, the visibility of my collar bones, a bigger and bigger neck waddle...but this was different. I did something that a normal person did. I went into a store, picked out some clothes from the rack, tried them on and they fit. And in that moment, I realized that I had spent a VERY long time pretending like this wasn't a big deal (and maybe someday it won't be). But like I mentioned before, sometimes that time lapse can be a complete mind-fuck.
I should mention here that I did not buy any of that clothing. The euphoria that came over me felt addictive like the euphoria of eating did until November 2015. I am keenly aware that my addictive behaviors can be transferred to something else, so being mindful is key. To everything, really.
After leaving those selections behind, I went to another store that I have always loved but could never shop in, and bought one pair of clearance dress pants. And I'm wearing them today. And somehow, it is becoming normal that that happened. In the last eighteen months, so many things have become the new normal that I struggle, sometimes, to find the security in it all, while being extremely energized by what could happen next. Is this living?
That second thing though.
On Sunday, I realized that I owned three pairs of dress pants that "fit," and I have a business casual job. Instead of pushing the envelope and wearing black denim like I have been (and hoping no one would notice), I made the choice to invest in a new pair or two to get me through the summer with more than just two pairs of ten-dollar wide-leg, flowy capris that my mother forced me to buy because she had a coupon and they were on clearance. Admittedly, I was tired of pulling up my pants constantly with some pairs that I let linger too long, and wearing those flowy capris pretty consistently. Sometimes, you just don't want to look like a Women's Studies professor at the University of Arizona.Many many many many thin women have told me that they do not necessarily worry too much about size when they try on clothing, but rather look for fit and feel from a piece of clothing when they are making the decision to buy. This always seemed insane to me. That women were so closely related to their size that deviation was impossible. To say that you were a different size was to say that you were a different age, or something. I think, also...to a fat girl, the idea of wearing a BIGGER size than I already do just to have a better fit was the confirmation that maybe I was even bigger than I thought. And honestly, I didn't need that confirmation at the time.
So, taking these feelings and realizations, I went to the best discount store I could find that still carried quality clothing, and I set to work. I approached the plus sizes first, and found something to try on, but then my mind kind of opened to the possibility that this wasn't the only option. That maybe I straight sizes were possible. I wandered over to the expansive straight-sized section like a frightened gazelle, sure that I would be discovered and murdered by the masses for trying to assimilate to what I clearly did not belong to. I quickly looked through the racks and hurriedly picked out some shirts and some pants, as well as a dress. I dove into the fitting room and tried it all on, expecting to be completely unable to button or adjust...with a view like a Christmas Ham ready to burst forth for the holiday meal. But it was different.
It all fit. Some things better than others, but it all fit in a way that did not make me instantly ashamed about my body. And it was such an odd feeling. I have had a series of odd feelings since losing a large amount of weight, including the ability to cross my legs, the visibility of my collar bones, a bigger and bigger neck waddle...but this was different. I did something that a normal person did. I went into a store, picked out some clothes from the rack, tried them on and they fit. And in that moment, I realized that I had spent a VERY long time pretending like this wasn't a big deal (and maybe someday it won't be). But like I mentioned before, sometimes that time lapse can be a complete mind-fuck.I should mention here that I did not buy any of that clothing. The euphoria that came over me felt addictive like the euphoria of eating did until November 2015. I am keenly aware that my addictive behaviors can be transferred to something else, so being mindful is key. To everything, really.
After leaving those selections behind, I went to another store that I have always loved but could never shop in, and bought one pair of clearance dress pants. And I'm wearing them today. And somehow, it is becoming normal that that happened. In the last eighteen months, so many things have become the new normal that I struggle, sometimes, to find the security in it all, while being extremely energized by what could happen next. Is this living?
This post made my heart burst with joy. Not because of the size you are. Because you are allowing yourself to rewire your brain. You are rewriting the story of who you are. I even think that you are learning to love yourself. Just let go, and do it. No one will judge you for it.
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