Revenge is a Life Well Lived...Until You Realize That They're Living Well, Too (Angry Mode)

I don't have any kids and I don't plan on having any. It just wasn't something that ever happened, and now, in my life, I am not at a point where I see myself giving up my freedom and independence to raise a child. It's cool that some people love it. And sometimes, kids are cool and I am glad that they exist. But, it's not for me. Or my five-year plan out of monetary imprisonment.

One thing that I noticed is that having children makes things really complicated, and can put you in a position where when things go south with someone, the relationship inevitably solders you to a person that you would otherwise abandon for the rest of eternity. It solders you and your family that feel love for that child. And there are amazing people that truly say "bygones," and they co-parent with a zest for a good life for that kid. And then...there are the rest of us.

My mother kept pressing me to contact my ex-husband for a day where she could see my ex-husband's daughter while she was in town. I ignored it, said it made me uncomfortable and finally told her that she should contact him if she wanted to have that experience. So she did and they set up something and isn't that just wonderful?

His daughter lives in another state and visits when school vacations allow. I saw them once while she was here and although I loved seeing her (even thought I am pretty positive she could give two shits), I was bombarded with the constant reminders that while my reward for leaving a marriage that wasn't true or healthy was that my ex-husband had the apartment, the pets, all of the furniture, the electronics, etc., and I was relegated to finding respite in my childhood bedroom and a fifty-dollar ikea futon I bought on Craigslist. We kept all of the bills that we brought into the relationship, but somehow, his student loans are paid (because the mutual money was put towards them while we were together and I worked two jobs while he went to school full-time), and I still have another five years of it taking almost thirty percent of my income and stalling my ability to finally live on my own. He has the car, he kept all of the relationships with my family and our mutual friends (even though they know what happened) and he gets to keep a loving relationship with his child...and date someone new and blather on and on about self-improvement and how much he has learned from this...and I am pissed off about it. And guess what? I'm right.

I am pissed off that my mother thinks that the feelings of her kid are less important than keeping this relationship with someone else's kid (although, what else is new). I am pissed off that she was actually considering buying my ex-husband dinner and "catching-up," when he forced me out of the home that I had paid for into a realization of the toxicity of my upbringing and how it lead me to pretty serious mental health struggles. I wake up every day pissed off that I lost my independence the day that he decided that talking to a random face on Tumblr that affirmed his selfish feelings was more important that supporting his sick wife through the hardest time in her life (everyone vilified John Edwards, but since I don't have cancer and a bald head everyone can see, I guess my family and friends can still pal around with my ex, right? It's just debilitating suicidal depression that hospitalized me more than once, but it's cool because you can't see it and I just needed to cheer up).

When you are the other-end of a relationship that involves cheating, you learn that everyone cheats, it seems. And that people just deal with it and accept the stupid reasons that people do it: they were drunk, they were lonely and their spouse didn't hug them enough, they were traveling for their job, they were trapped in a marriage of convenience and didn't want to give up their possessions...instead of being honest about how shitty it is and about how people on the other end don't deserve it. Everyone accepts that the cheaters get to start anew without skipping a beat...unless they have a really vindictive ex-spouse that lights all of their stuff on fire or glues their junk to their leg.

I read this article about the stages of dealing with a relationship that ended in infidelity and apparently, this stage of anger and disbelief in the workings of karma is totally normal. It is right after admitting that your zen-like state of forgiveness was bullshit. I'd like to think that I am still trying to affirm that zen-like state of ACCEPTANCE. Because forgiveness won't happen and isn't deserved. How do Buddhists do it? If only I could afford to take six months off to jet away to an ashram and think about my life. Or maybe jet off to an efficiency apartment where everything was mine and I had the only key to the door? My needs aren't unrealistic. Beth Ditto said it, "I don't want the world. I only want what I deserve." And honestly folks...I deserve it all.

So now what? I am angry. I know it. And, my reasons are justified. But, I am also smart enough to know that this attitude gets me nowhere. Karma works mysteriously and unexpectedly and doesn't necessarily check-in with my timetable to make sure that I'm happy with how things are progressing. The growing pains of self-love include a serious amount of grief for the life that you thought you were going to have, and this is something that I mourn deeply about. Not to be with my ex-husband or have that exact life (fuck that), but the notion that someone is going to be there for you without judgement...and with unwavering support. Without selfish reasons. Without lies about an everlasting and unconditional love that can withstand any storm.

I finally realized at some point that actually, there is one person. And I look at her every day in the mirror. And when I can successfully say that I can affirm that relationship, the healing may be to a point where the anger is a memory. But it takes time and support. And so far...I've got time covered.