Living it Up, Legitimizing Existence, Desiderata, The Pride, The Cup and Why it's Appropriate to Feel During All of These Times
I did 2348909384 things this weekend.
-Going to a McDonalds that is described as a Big Mac Museum, but not eating there. Because...McDonalds.
I have tried mercilessly to pack nine years of seeing and living lost into the free time that I have had since moving back in with my parents. In fact, it has become a pace that I can hardly keep up with at times, considering that I could barely walk after I got home last night...burned to a crisp and starving. Truthfully, I am not sure if I am trying to legitimize my existence or what. I sometimes (well, more than sometimes) think about myself at 85 years old, sitting in my efficiency apartment (I'll have paid off my student loans at 80, so I'll really be free at this point) and thinking to myself that I have done everything humanly possible to have seen what I could with the tools that I had at the time. That there will never be a point where I regretted not doing something or seeing something, or trying to make my life better in every way. Or picked television over experiences. Possessions over journeys. Living over watching someone else do it.
This way sometimes leads to judgement in others that don't, and...I KNOW I have to work on it, okay? In fact, my therapist tells me almost every week that I need to work on being judgmental. But...can't it just be that some people are terrible and the things that they do are terrible? And sometimes...isn't it okay to feel that?
All I can figure is that the answer is...not really..if you want peace.
If we live by Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements, it is easy to see how to disconnect from the judgement because when we're passing judgement, we're breaking ALL OF THEM.
ALL OF THEM, PEOPLE.
Literally, by giving ourselves permission to pass judgement on the behaviors and actions of others, we are discrediting the wisdom of the words and the peace that they bring. This doesn't mean that the difficulty of this method isn't lost on me, because there are periods of time (like when I am drowned in doing instead of drowned in being) that I forget that this is what I need to get back to, instead of logging steps, checking-in, and taking photos of a giant ceramic Big Mac. This shit is really hard, okay?
But forgetting the method temporarily doesn't mean that failure forever. Bring it back to center, be mindful and start it again.
Giving permission, this time, to start over with a different heart.
Notable highlights on the resume of the last three days:
-Seeing a strolling accordion player and company wander through the streets of Irwin, PA.
-Watching an elderly woman in a rhinestone denim baseball hat walk up to the accordion player, and dance around when they played.
-Eating the best cabbage roll ever made by the hands of women from a church in Rankin, PA.
-Walking through a few antique and vintage shops pawing all of the wares and thinking about the people that owned them, what their houses might have looked like, what they felt when they owned these things, and what they're doing now.
-Standing in Unity Cemetery and seeing Fred Rogers' final resting place...under a pine tree with a beautiful view of the valley and rolling hills.
-Buying a fifty-cent plaque with, "Desiderata," written in yellow letters. From 1952.
-Happening upon the dedication of a statue of Fred Rogers in a park in Latrobe, PA. And seeing beautiful photos of Fred throughout his life.
-Going to a McDonalds that is described as a Big Mac Museum, but not eating there. Because...McDonalds.
-Seeing friends and friends and friends and friends!
-Viewing an eight minute video about the Saint Vincent Archabbey Gristmill and how they still mill their own flour using the same techniques (and some of the same equipment) as when the mill was established in 1850.
-Hearing a hunky cross-section of the LGBT community revving up their motorcycles to begin Pittsburgh's annual Pride Parade in afternoon following a devastating attack in Orlando that left 53 people dead, 50 injured, and nations mourning the loss of these people and the safety and visibility of the LGBT community.
-Seeing the procession of St. Anthony through the Strip District followed by the most beautiful Italian Nonna in her church dress.
-Waking up to the Pittsburgh Penguins winning the Stanley Cup Final and seeing a pile of hockey players plastered on my Facebook newsfeed from here to eternity.
-Hearing a man in a clerical collar walk up to us on the side of the road and say, "God fucking loves everybody, and don't let anyone tell you differently."
-Crossing the Roberto Clemente bridge during the sunset and seeing Pittsburgh in (another) new way.
-Burning to a crisp and wondering if my pink cheeks and nose will peel and become the white cheeks and nose that I recognize again.
I have tried mercilessly to pack nine years of seeing and living lost into the free time that I have had since moving back in with my parents. In fact, it has become a pace that I can hardly keep up with at times, considering that I could barely walk after I got home last night...burned to a crisp and starving. Truthfully, I am not sure if I am trying to legitimize my existence or what. I sometimes (well, more than sometimes) think about myself at 85 years old, sitting in my efficiency apartment (I'll have paid off my student loans at 80, so I'll really be free at this point) and thinking to myself that I have done everything humanly possible to have seen what I could with the tools that I had at the time. That there will never be a point where I regretted not doing something or seeing something, or trying to make my life better in every way. Or picked television over experiences. Possessions over journeys. Living over watching someone else do it.
This way sometimes leads to judgement in others that don't, and...I KNOW I have to work on it, okay? In fact, my therapist tells me almost every week that I need to work on being judgmental. But...can't it just be that some people are terrible and the things that they do are terrible? And sometimes...isn't it okay to feel that?
All I can figure is that the answer is...not really..if you want peace.
If we live by Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements, it is easy to see how to disconnect from the judgement because when we're passing judgement, we're breaking ALL OF THEM.
ALL OF THEM, PEOPLE.
Literally, by giving ourselves permission to pass judgement on the behaviors and actions of others, we are discrediting the wisdom of the words and the peace that they bring. This doesn't mean that the difficulty of this method isn't lost on me, because there are periods of time (like when I am drowned in doing instead of drowned in being) that I forget that this is what I need to get back to, instead of logging steps, checking-in, and taking photos of a giant ceramic Big Mac. This shit is really hard, okay?But forgetting the method temporarily doesn't mean that failure forever. Bring it back to center, be mindful and start it again.
Giving permission, this time, to start over with a different heart.
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