Wistful List-full
I have a very dear friend that is going through some shit. Yes, we all go through shit, and we all handle it in different ways, but his shit is serious. He's doing better than I would in his situation, and I think that one of the keys to his success (even if he would never call what he does successful) is to be very open about pride, shame, narcissism, sadness...the whole gamut of emotions that you feel when you're dealing with SHIT. He manifests this into lists that are posted via Facebook a couple of times a week. I've bought into gratitude lists for a while now and try to make them as often as possible. I once downloaded an app that would allow you to record three things that you were grateful for by day and then would save them for review. It saved paper, but much like my tangible journals...and this blog, regular entries weren't exactly easy. So, taking a page in the "Book of E!" I am trying my hand at shame and gratitude.
Shame (I had to start this and then come back to it...because much like the act of displaying shame, it can be an emotional experience that you think you're prepared for, but you find that you're really not):
1. I am ashamed that at 33, I am still in the fiscal pit of despair. I wish I had known better in some ways (as in, I don't need to live on campus to get an education), but I also wish I had been set-up for success at an early age. That's not whining, that's truth.
2. Although I am making great strides to lose weight, I am not pleased with still being a plus-size woman and this can cause shame at times. My goal, ultimately, would be to wear clothes from a straight-sized store. Not dealing with the relegation to the "fat girls" section would be nice for a change.
3. It is shameful to me to be comfortably in my thirties with no greater understanding of what I want out of life than I did when I was 14. Or 8. Or 2. I've never had dreams that lasted forever like a lot of people do: as in, I want to be a firefighter, or I want to have 3 three kids or I want a house in the woods or to travel to every corner of the Earth. Those dreams never solidified into a goal that lasted longer than a month, or maybe a year. Do you know what it's like to live without any concrete dreams or goals? Is, "I don't want to be miserable," a goal?
4. I am ashamed at the notion that I couldn't make my marriage work. But, how much did we need to suffer? How much did I need to hate my life? How unloved did I need to feel? How many words needed to not match his actions...before it would've been justified in my mind to walk away shame-free?
I was going to list five things that I am ashamed of, thinking that I would have trouble keeping it to just five. But honestly, even a week later, I am struggling to find a fifth thing that would make it to the list of things to be ashamed of. If, in my life, I can only carry shame for four things...perhaps I am not in the place that I thought I was, and that fills me with gratitude. Three years ago, this list would've been long...and full of minutiae.
Is this what mental health is like? A mixture of gratitude and shame? To have a healthy dose of both? To tow the line of understanding what needs to be done and what has been completed in the process? It feels like calm.
Shame (I had to start this and then come back to it...because much like the act of displaying shame, it can be an emotional experience that you think you're prepared for, but you find that you're really not):
1. I am ashamed that at 33, I am still in the fiscal pit of despair. I wish I had known better in some ways (as in, I don't need to live on campus to get an education), but I also wish I had been set-up for success at an early age. That's not whining, that's truth.
2. Although I am making great strides to lose weight, I am not pleased with still being a plus-size woman and this can cause shame at times. My goal, ultimately, would be to wear clothes from a straight-sized store. Not dealing with the relegation to the "fat girls" section would be nice for a change.
3. It is shameful to me to be comfortably in my thirties with no greater understanding of what I want out of life than I did when I was 14. Or 8. Or 2. I've never had dreams that lasted forever like a lot of people do: as in, I want to be a firefighter, or I want to have 3 three kids or I want a house in the woods or to travel to every corner of the Earth. Those dreams never solidified into a goal that lasted longer than a month, or maybe a year. Do you know what it's like to live without any concrete dreams or goals? Is, "I don't want to be miserable," a goal?
4. I am ashamed at the notion that I couldn't make my marriage work. But, how much did we need to suffer? How much did I need to hate my life? How unloved did I need to feel? How many words needed to not match his actions...before it would've been justified in my mind to walk away shame-free?
I was going to list five things that I am ashamed of, thinking that I would have trouble keeping it to just five. But honestly, even a week later, I am struggling to find a fifth thing that would make it to the list of things to be ashamed of. If, in my life, I can only carry shame for four things...perhaps I am not in the place that I thought I was, and that fills me with gratitude. Three years ago, this list would've been long...and full of minutiae.
Is this what mental health is like? A mixture of gratitude and shame? To have a healthy dose of both? To tow the line of understanding what needs to be done and what has been completed in the process? It feels like calm.
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