The Brilliance of Resilience

I didn't know that I was finally divorced on February 24. I did know that I was in New York City for the first time and I was super excited to overload all of my senses simultaneously (I do not know if I was prepared for the overload of my sense of smell in every conceivable way, just saying). My weight loss "plan" has included a lot of urban hiking in many cities and I am very lucky to be in a situation where I can take a day to drive to a new city or town, dump the car and figure out the rest on foot (and lose weight in the process). New York seemed to be the culmination of that kind of tourism, so stepping off the train and onto West 34th Street was much like how first-time New York experiences are depicted. I sent many photos to my Mother and she asked me at one point, "Is it really like it looks in these photos?" I could confirm that wholeheartedly. Many things that I saw were those things that have been shown to me in film, television and I hav...

As a gesture of interest in people bringing their, "whole selves," to work, my company has revamped their employee spotlight articles and replaced them with questions that are much less interview-ish and much more conversational. The articles always highlight a single word that encompasses themselves and the work that they do, and it always leads with, "My work is a story of..." Because I have spent the last two years being really self-centered, I thought immediately what my word would be and if I wanted to volunteer to talk about my work and my personal life through the lens of seemingly informal atmosphere. I definitely do want to do that (see above: self-centered), but not on that platform. When someone struggles with the things that I have struggled against since forever, people in a professional "career," setting often use those stories, those emotions and those experiences as fodder for labeling in whatever terms would suit propelling their own car...

I used to really love Christmas. I collected a ridiculous amount of Christmas decorations, especially the vintage plastic, kitschy stuff, and I hung it up and had, "Christmas in July," parties and loved giving gifts and making ham or whatever. And it seemed like the world was bright. Then, I had the worst Christmas I've ever had when my exhusband and I began the slow descent into the end of our marriage the November before the Christmas season of 2014. That Christmas Day my mother had too many Christmas-themed drinks and was so hungover she couldn't get out of bed. We took our laundry to my parents house and spent the day in opposite chairs watching things like, "The Price is Right," at an ear-splitting decibel level with my deaf father, eating a shitty meal and opening gift cards to each other and from each other. When there are no kids to celebrate, Christmas becomes oddly unimportant and when you have the beginning of no marriage, it seems even ...

When I was living with Betty, my Grandmother, every weekend and summer of my childhood, I would always read through a file folder of typed Country Music song lyrics. There were notes on them where she had corrected the typist's misheard lyrics and misspellings. Betty should probably be around to correct this blog post. I am sure she is ready to correct me from her cloud. When she died, I inherited her records. The cool thing is is that some of them are starred with the songs that she especially liked. They were rarely the singles. Betty was a hipster. Mike said to me the other day that he felt like he came out of the closet as a Country-Music lover when he met me because I was a person that appreciated it, too, and would actively talk about it and go to shows in a totally non-hokey and non-ironic way. We talked about this a lot, because both of us felt that when we stood on the proverbial hilltop and said that we were into Country Music in a way that was more than liking th...

One of the support groups that I belong to allows for people to just kind of post free-form comments  that are highlight moderated by the people that have volunteered to keep the group a safe space. I appreciate that there is freedoms to express (and some people do...too often and with reckless abandon...let's be honest), but to be safe with each other and not cast the shadow of judgement. I mean...cast all you want, I guess. We all do. But don't go castin' it in this space. Someone wrote today, "This isn't a political discussion, but do you feel like this election is triggering you?" I thought that that was a very interesting thing to think about. That aside from the political beliefs that you hold, the candidates, the coverage, the ads, the rhetoric...is it triggering? Only women responded about being sexual abuse survivors, or having domineering and abusive fathers with narcissistic behavioral patterns. They responded with how they cope and how they feel....

Anybody that tells me that August does nothing but completely fucking blow...is a goddamned liar. It's hot, it's sweaty and there are no holidays. Alright, it's birthstone is Peridot, and that's pretty cool. I'll give you that...but that's it. The last six weeks have been hell. I feel terrible. I feel like I look terrible and I am struggling to understand the trajectory of my life. Although I have strategically and tirelessly worked to make my financial situation better, and I have created a plan to freedom, the pivotal and redemptive moment where I bust through the tape and cross the finish line is a long way off. Like, for real. I thought, for sure, that I would find solace in Labor Day: the unofficial end to summer, the end of August and the beginning of all things orange, yellow, brown and pumpkin spice. But, the burden of August has become the burden of September, too. Every week in therapy I have expressed that I am sad, I am crying, I am irrationa...

I don't have any kids and I don't plan on having any. It just wasn't something that ever happened, and now, in my life, I am not at a point where I see myself giving up my freedom and independence to raise a child. It's cool that some people love it. And sometimes, kids are cool and I am glad that they exist. But, it's not for me. Or my five-year plan out of monetary imprisonment. One thing that I noticed is that having children makes things really complicated, and can put you in a position where when things go south with someone, the relationship inevitably solders you to a person that you would otherwise abandon for the rest of eternity. It solders you and your family that feel love for that child. And there are amazing people that truly say "bygones," and they co-parent with a zest for a good life for that kid. And then...there are the rest of us. My mother kept pressing me to contact my ex-husband for a day where she could see my ex-husband's d...