American (Self) Maid

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Image result for american maid the tick




I love the American Maid character on, "The Tick." The Tick Wiki provided a brief description of the character,

American Maid is quite noble in character, and unlike most of the "good" characters featured in the series, she is actually relatively effective as a superhero. Having no superpowers, she relies on her Olympic-level trained acrobatic skills.
This is hilarious


No real superpowers but effective and noble, who could ask for anything more? Making the most of what life deals. Totally self-made maid. I read something similar this morning in a push notification not too long ago (I need to turn that shit off):

Kylie Jenner's about to be the youngest, "self made," billionaire. Forbes says she made $900 million from Kylie Cosmetics.

I am in a weird and sad place. I feel the old demons of jealous and distrust creeping in and find that there is so much evidence to let them take up residence. It feels like the constant bombardment of hapless and hopeless people traipsing in and out of my life with endless excuses of why they are ineffective and totally okay with it. The never-ending #selfcare hashtag to cheer on the self-indulgence and lack of commitment that NEVER. FUCKING. ENDS.

Today, I found out that my ex-husband has paid off the car that we purchased together. He is currently living free of student loan debt and auto debt (with some pretty awesome equity), while I am still very clearly living with mine. At the time, it seemed right to make the financial choices that we did to live a better life. I shared this on social media as an off-handed remark for a pretty fantastic meme, but I remember very clearly that he said that he did not want to, "tethered," by traditional gender roles when it came to earning and providing.




Turns out, what he didn't want was to hold up his fair share of the contract and gaslit about his shitty definition marriage parternship masquerading as Feminism. The price that I have paid to be free of him is staggeringly high but seems increasingly more worth it as decisions and experiences become mine. My tolerance and acceptance of the situation is far from my forgiveness. The residual fiduciary fuckery still continues to shake itself loose and resolve with each passing year. The Maid is here to clean the residue, but "You Oughta Know," that I would, right?

WWAlanisMorisetteDo?

Probably nothing good to aid in this process.

Better, WWDonMiguelRuizDo? 

Image result for what would don miguel ruiz say?

Don Miguel Ruiz would say that other people and their behavior is not about me. That taking these actions personally leads to no good. He's right. I'm not sure, though, how to deal with the fallout of those actions - the work to make up and the disappointment that rises without much control. 

Being self-made is far more than money, isn't it? I probably share a far too elitist view of what it is like to rely on yourself for your survival and existence. To know that without your constant vigil, there is a definite chance for it all to fall down. Even with the sturdiest of root chakras (the hippy shit again), there is the realities of knowing what is at stake. I had a really great conversation with a former Healthcare Executive turned Freelance Coach about what my skills are. She asked me what I wanted to do and I asked if she meant my deepest wishes or what I actually can making a living doing? And she asked why they weren't the same. I gave her an explanation of what taking risks would mean and she seemed sad but understood.

But, there is a part of me that is proud that this is my reality.

There is also a part of me that needs to stop comparing my life to others that have an endless stream of handouts to grab that are masked as, "dream-building opportunities." It makes me sound like a jaded and jealous cunt. Because in the deepest recesses, I am a jaded and jealous cunt on the mend.





The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

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