W Teaches Me about Mister Jones and Me...

Just now something happened that flipped the switch of the day. As in, just this second.

The blogger window was already open to talk about how conflicted I feel lately. It's as if every turn fuels the never-balanced and never-ending scale of pros and cons - the internal dialog of what is important and what is worthy of my drive and passion. It can propel you into oblivion with the constant running of how it could be better or how you need to improve upon what isn't enough in life - the money, the geography, the accolades, the benefits...

Then I heard that W died this weekend.

W died after retirement. Not enough retirement.

W was feisty, strong-willed, argumentative at times, passionate, determined, and old-fashioned. She fought and won. She fought and lost. She got on my fucking nerves from time-to-time and made my job really hard.

W was a nice person that I didn't like to work with sometimes.

W deserved more time.

When W died I was a still in limbo about a position that I applied and interviewed for a while ago. This position would allow for changes. I instilled hope into the possible change because it meant that I could leave my parent's house after two and a half years and start to lay the roots of my root-less life.

I was passionate in the interview and talked about change and improvement. I talked about my knowledge. I talked about my skill set. I was who I am now - after all of the changes that have already taken place to my body, mind and soul. I was unabashedly myself and I could tell that not everyone was thrilled, but I knew that my knowledge and abilities were worth it, so I pressed on with exactly who I am.

Then W died. Less than an hour later, I received the, "thanks for but no thanks."

Don't misinterpret. W wasn't my driving force or my mentor or really even my friend. W was as are many people that I deal with in my corporate role. We are ships that pass by each other and we are ships that are at war from time-to-time. And sometimes...we are an Armada.

But W makes me realize that the validation that comes from the fight in the cubes isn't the fight that will validate our existence and keep us healthy and free. W taught me in one second that I need to hold the space until the fight becomes worthwhile and to save the passion for those things that will lead to my own healing and my own freedom...and my health and happiness.

I was looking for songs about conflict and confusion and the Internet reminded me of, "Ballad of a Thin Man," by Bob Dylan. I told my former director today while we were speaking about W's death and what it means in our lives, "I have not figured out how to make my terrible qualities work to my advantage. And I haven't necessarily figured out how to make my good qualities work to my advantage either. It seems that we are constantly figuring out our place in a situation where the rules constantly change." And he said, "yeah, I think that that's called life."

You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand

You see somebody naked and you say, "Who is that man?"

You try so hard but you don't understand

Just what you will say when you get home

Because something is happening here but you don't know what it is

Do you, Mr. Jones?

You raise up your head and you ask, "Is this where it is?"

And somebody points to you and says, "It's his"

And you say, "What's mine?" and somebody else says, "Well, what is?"

And you say, "Oh my God, am I here all alone?"

But something is happening and you don't know what it is

Do you, Mr. Jones?

You hand in your ticket and you go watch the geek

Who immediately walks up to you when he hears you speak

And says, "How does it feel to be such a freak?"

And you say, "Impossible!" as he hands you a bone

And something is happening here but you don't know what it is

Do you, Mr. Jones?

You have many contacts among the lumberjacks

To get you facts when someone attacks your imagination

But nobody has any respect, anyway they already expect you to all give a check

To tax-deductible charity organizations

Ah, you've been with the professors and they've all liked your looks

With great lawyers you have discussed lepers and crooks

You've been through all of F. Scott Fitzgerald's books

You're very well-read, it's well-known

But something is happening here and you don't know what it is

Do you, Mr. Jones?...

Rest in Peace, W. You made an enemy more than once in me, but you will forever be my teacher at this late point in our relationship.