There But for the Grace of I go I
I was in the middle of writing a post about the Foo Fighters when I found out that Andy had died last week. Andy's son posted a brief message on Facebook and everyone that has posted about Andy since then understands exactly what happened. When someone dies in a way that isn't easy to understand, a lot of words aren't going to clarify and the platitudes aren't going to heal. Andy was troubled and treating, but sometimes it is just not enough. Andy left that grown son as well as three school-aged children and their lives are irrevocably changed in a way that none of us will anticipate: whether it is peace in knowing that their mother is not suffering or the agony of knowing that their existence was not enough for Andy to keep fighting...or perhaps both.
Andy and I knew each other through email only, but we shared stories about our lives. We shared music and what we did that day, and the struggle that she had just to exist came through in her words. Sometimes, I compared that story to my own life and I tried to understand why God would allow people to suffer the way that they did as the victims of their own mind. I have spent a lifetime trying to understand why the plan would be what is currently unfolding, but I fail to come up with the logic and I fail miserably in the blind trust. When I lose trust in someone, that trust has to come back to me. I had to absorb a lot when I lost my trust in God. I became my greatest ally, my greatest defender and my knight in shining (well, tarnished) armor.
I drove myself to the hospital on the day that I knew that I was no longer in control, and I drove myself home on the day when I was stabilized and able to exist in the world again. There were no "Welcome Home" signs or balloons. I drove myself to every appointment, filled every prescription and paid every co-pay. I cried every tear on a therapist's couch for the last three years and I made every change that I had to in order to keep myself in a place that balanced emotional sobriety, "happiness" and self-control. I am lucky to have found that trust in myself. Andy wasn't there yet, and I am so sorry that she wasn't.
Whatever happens when you die, I hope that Andy knows that there were people in her corner that were separated by distance and circumstance, but not by thought and care. And always this: if you or anyone that you know is actively suicidal and hurting, do something about it...even if it is just sending them the number of a mental health facility or letting them know that you could drive them anywhere. If you can't be supportive and selfless, then get the fuck out of that person's life. They can't waste their trust on you.
Andy and I knew each other through email only, but we shared stories about our lives. We shared music and what we did that day, and the struggle that she had just to exist came through in her words. Sometimes, I compared that story to my own life and I tried to understand why God would allow people to suffer the way that they did as the victims of their own mind. I have spent a lifetime trying to understand why the plan would be what is currently unfolding, but I fail to come up with the logic and I fail miserably in the blind trust. When I lose trust in someone, that trust has to come back to me. I had to absorb a lot when I lost my trust in God. I became my greatest ally, my greatest defender and my knight in shining (well, tarnished) armor.
I drove myself to the hospital on the day that I knew that I was no longer in control, and I drove myself home on the day when I was stabilized and able to exist in the world again. There were no "Welcome Home" signs or balloons. I drove myself to every appointment, filled every prescription and paid every co-pay. I cried every tear on a therapist's couch for the last three years and I made every change that I had to in order to keep myself in a place that balanced emotional sobriety, "happiness" and self-control. I am lucky to have found that trust in myself. Andy wasn't there yet, and I am so sorry that she wasn't.
Whatever happens when you die, I hope that Andy knows that there were people in her corner that were separated by distance and circumstance, but not by thought and care. And always this: if you or anyone that you know is actively suicidal and hurting, do something about it...even if it is just sending them the number of a mental health facility or letting them know that you could drive them anywhere. If you can't be supportive and selfless, then get the fuck out of that person's life. They can't waste their trust on you.
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